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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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I can't believe that I haven't posted anything in over a year. It's crazy how time goes by so fast. I'm still in Wisconsin, living with my sister and her family. I'm still going to school online and trying to become something. I never write anymore, unless it's for school. I guess I just don't have all that much to say. I'm sort of ashamed of how uneventful my life is.
I quit smoking in May and have begun to diet again, so caffeine is now my only vice. I've been going to church, and finally believe in Something. I'm going to visit my father in November in NC, and am excited about that. Nothing else is really going on.
I feel like I was left so far behind everyone I knew. Everyone seems to be having fun and growing up, but I'm stuck in this rut. I still don't know what I want to do with a degree, or if I even want to continue on in my studies. What would I do with a Bachelor's in Psychology? Hopefully I'll decide what to do before too long.
Maybe I'll start to update this more often (maybe being the key word).
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Saturday, August 2nd, 2008
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www.poetrypoem.com/faeryoffight
(my poetry page)
myspace.com/gottostopspinning
(my blog)
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Comments: open my eyes.
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as i was trying to fall asleep tonight, somehow a memory lodged itself in my heart. not a bad memory. a good one. remembered in dreamlike quality.
that fall day was incredible. winter was on its way, and the trees were flamboyant in their red and orange dressings. i had never seen anything or anywhere as beautiful. we walked to a creek, and i took crappy pictures. i still have some of them. you can see how i tried to block out the concrete in order to capture Beauty that wasn't artificial.
i feel as if it was all one day, or maybe it was many, but so many amazing things seemed to fall into place that day/week/month. i was miserable in kentucky, mostly because of my sister's stupid rules, but i had some kindred spirits.
i remember jumping on a trampoline, or maybe just sitting there, feeling as if the crisp air was part of an alien landscape. i was alive.
that night, we went out, the three of us, under the stars. and i remember looking at his face out of the corner of my eye, feeling unusual and strange. i was scared. mostly because i was bringing down the barriers i had erected- i was no longer sure of my sexuality.
all i know is that he was ethereal that night. he shone so damn bright i felt my insides burn. i wanted to take that moment and place it under a glass dome. letting no one else in.
and i recall when sara and i snuck off to another town and were stranded. we pestered alex and some other kid who is already long forgotten. then we walked and walked and walked. and there He was again. once more, we walked side by side and i felt my skin burn. i wanted so much to touch him, yet i felt ill from the feelings he woke.
i can never remember him with any darkened thoughts. he was so beautiful, so perfect, so real. i was the one who was tainted and doomed. i fled so fast, not only because of my Choice, but my sister's. and i'll always wonder what would've happened had i stayed. simply to have more of a fairytale to tell and luminous Futures to dream of.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Thursday, March 6th, 2008
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the night is still a stranger to me.
nocturnal creatures mock me
as if i don't belong.
yet i refuse to retreat
(for retreat is far too wise a path)
and sit,
instead,
and mock them back,
i blow death from my lungs
and piss vile toxins-
daring them to interfere.
as if watching Earth's anger
sweep across my brow
will somehow make me whole.
the edges of reality have long been my foe.
i sneer.
hoping that somehow
the Moon will claim me as her own
once more.
My Depths tend to take flight
when morning wins the battle.
i become a husk of myself.
the passion is leeched from my pores
and i pray it will empty me
once and for all.
Yet Still,
the night calls for my surrender-
hoping I will bow to Her strength.
I compromise.
What better way to give in
than to consume
unparalleled quantities
of the Night's own suicidal cocktail.
One pill for the feet,
one shot for the heart,
and another for good measure.
I want to dream
out among the stars.
I tend to forget
and become entranced by the sight
of the harsh lights beckoning.
"Come deeper,"
they cry.
And for some moments I sit still,
silent, (but for my fingers),
and give in to her Majesty.
But the Sun,
sinister and unholy,
steals me away once more.
So I stumble through the dark
up the stairs that define every
(longing, aching, prayerful)
part of me.
And instead,
vanquish any hope
I had of ever feeling numb
as the products of my sadness
are flushed back into the earth.
It's more than enough to soak my pillow
with every tear I've ever cried.
And this, my ghosts,
is my burden to forever bear.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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i stand still
watching as the wind
lifts up the dust
and debris
breathing
Life.
(into) my
aching heart.
Relief for a moment.
Yet,
Life is not always so kind.
So I stare
(at my dirty,
callused, bloody
feet)
and pretend.
thati'msomeoneelse,
s o m e w h e r e e l s e,
or,
SOMETHING ELSE.
I've found,
since losing my voice,
I am usually placated,
once I take a long pull
(since I'm not one to sip)
of magical mayhem.
Yet somehow,
I can't bring myself to read
(as much)
anymore,
even at night.
Maybe I've found
the dream-
in this life-
that would suit me
even more than
having a Soul.
But somehow,
those Books
have been banned.
And all that's left for me to do,
is stare at the dust
as it paints my feet
an older shade
of Death.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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I feel as if I'm choking,
grappling for purchase
of any substance
more helpful than air.
I lost myself the other day
when I fell into your eyes.
They mirrored my own
in a way
that has not
/will not
ever occur again.
I'm sorry.
----------------------------------
In an instant
the atmosphere
congeals
and restricts
every chance
at clear thought.
I believed,
once,
long ago,
(or so it seems)
that I knew myself
far better than this.
-------------------------------
I haven't the strength.
Not to survive,
but to survive with grace.
With every struggle,
I grow more manic.
Tearing at the film
suffocating my eyes.
My fingers are left bloody,
but I still can't see
anything powerful enough
to wash away the years of
bitterness
anger
repression
deceit
and inability
to rise above
the flames
devouring
what is left of my life.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Monday, December 24th, 2007
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ummm...so...
I suppose I'm writing this b/c I always find myself writing an entry around Christmas. Here goes:
I'm still bitter about not getting paid enough for the hours I work, but that's just the way this town is. Eventually I think I'll move to Greenville or Wilmington, b/c it seems like they're a bit better. I also finally managed to lose 25 lbs and am determined to get back down to a reasonable weight. Because of my nature and heart, I have a feeling I'll still be an old maid. But at least I'll be a sexy one this way :P All joking aside, I do feel a lot better than I did. (In most ways). I've also had a lot of other health problems that aren't related and are driving me nuts. With no health insurance, I'm basically forced to suffer through them or to shell out $50-$150 for doctor's visits that don't seem to help much of anything. But I'll survive.
Work has been very stressful and seems to consume most of my energy and spirit. It's all I can do to get up in the morning, but I don't have the drive to look for another job. When the heck would I find the time since I'm working 50 hour weeks?
I spent a lot on Christmas presents since I tend to go overboard around the holidays. I just find so many things that I think would make others smile. I hardly even care about getting any of my own, b/c I buy myself stuff while Christmas shopping :P But this year feels different, and it's sad. Some family members are far too materialistic for my liking. I think that's part of what is tearing at my heart. I love things as much as the next person, but I don't need to be rich or have name brand everything. It's like the Indigo Girl's song "money made you mean". Ugh. Enough of these thoughts.
I've rambled enough for the year.
Until next time,
I<3 you all.
Lucy
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Comments: 1 realization - open my eyes.
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I just realized that I haven't been on here since January. I used to post on this thing multiple times a day. Wow.
So, yeah, North Carolina. I'm living here now. The end.
Actually, it isn't bad. If you look past the sweet tea fixation it's actually pretty nice. I wish I had the ability to take pictures on my drive to work. There are old houses falling apart and nothing is being done w/ them. You see abandoned gas stations in the middle of towns and scuzzy looking stores set up in trailers. I know it sounds bad, but it's beautiful.
I'm near the coast, so I once again feel the humidity and salt in the air. I missed the ocean a lot while landlocked. I'm between two huge military bases, so you see men in uniform all over the place. I'm definitely the minmority here when it comes to politics and religion. There are basically 20 Baptist churches w/in a 20 mile radius.
I feel like a loser b/c everyone from New College has graduated and I have yet to go back to school. I'm working 45-50 hours every week as a Medical Receptionist and not getting paid enough to do so. Even if I had a degree, the area of NC I'm in doesn't pay so well. There are taxes on EVERYTHING.
I got a free round-trip plane ticket last weekend due to a downsize on a flight I was on, so I'm planning on going to Florida eventually. It would be nice to see people, but I'm sort of scared to go. I've changed so much. I've gained tons of weight, I'm less passionate, and sometimes I go to bed at 8 pm. I hardly ever drink anymore, and I haven't done much w/ my life. If I had the chance to do things over again, I would have transferred to another college or even attended community college.
Anyway. It's been a long day. G'night.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Saturday, January 20th, 2007
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i was robbed at gunpoint recently in minneapolis. therefore, i am running back to my dad who is now living in north carolina. my new number is 763-234-4617
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Comments: 1 realization - open my eyes.
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Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
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i found an awesome site for ringtones. they even have ani difranco on there. and i keep reading about how everybody at new college is busy writing up a thesis, and i have to laugh since i bailed out way before it ever got to that point.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
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my eyes betray me much more than necessary. it is completely unacceptable. who wants to buy me sunglasses for my birthday?
i'm so excited b/c i get to go to my brubba and sister-in-law's for my b-day. i think they're seriously the only people i feel comfortable drinking w/. all other situations leave me feeling uncomfortable and exposed. anyway.
chris might take me to the ren fest. he asked if he could dress up, and i couldn't help but laugh. i refuse to dress up, but i guess i need to grow up and not be embarrassed if the person i'm going w/ does so :P i told him it was up to him and i'd deal.
new roommate moves in this week, i do believe, because rose has almost finished cleaning up the spare bedroom. i'm sad b/c i won't be able to get porch time at all hours of the night unless i beg. we'll see. i might have to see if she eventually wants to switch rooms if we split the difference and i can store my stuff in her closet.
i have no idea why i wrote on here...might have to cross-post it to myspace since more people tend to visit my site there.
well, time to work :P
<3
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Comments: 1 realization - open my eyes.
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Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
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I've moved, again...this time back to Minneapolis. I'm renting this room from an awesome lady, and I love the area.
just thought i'd share :P
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
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Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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1. Who was your first prom date? never went to my prom
2. Who was your first roommate? Annie and Tasha, then Kaitlyn
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? I was 10 and it was beer
4. What was your first job? babysitting 40 hours a week for the neighbors in the summer
5. What was your first car? the only one was an '89 toyota camry. <3 miss it
6. When did you go to your first funeral? The first one I remember was my uncle Hort's when I was 5 or so
7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I was 1 or so, I think, and we moved to a town closeby, but then we moved back. then moved to Duluth from Wisconsin when I was 3. Hasn't stopped much since, lol
8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Hoines. She was a bitch.
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? to my mom's funeral in wisconsin
10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I never snuck out.
11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Elaina, she lived next door. and no.
12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? In kentucky w/ my sister when i was 17
13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? no one. generally don't feel safe enough to call anyone
14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen? I was a something or other in my sister's wedding a few years back
15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? pee.
16. What was the first concert you ever went to? Pat Benatar
17. First tattoo or piercing? ears when i was in 2nd grade, faery tattoo when i was 18
18. First celebrity crush? don't remember
19. Age of first kiss? 5, kissed a girl on the bus
20. First crush? first conscious crush? Danny Bobek. He was HOT. and thought I was a loser.
21. First time you did drugs? Valentine's day, I was 13. Went to Heather Lee's house and smoked w/ some homies.
22. First real boyfriend/girlfriend? it doesn't count if you don't hold hands or kiss, right? If it doesn't, then it was Caroliz, when I went to New College
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Comments: open my eyes.
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North Carolina is HOT and HUMID. I wish it was cooler...but this weather makes me want to stay in Minnesota, haha.
Otherwise,
I love how i can say, "soda" without being laughed at. I love Southern slang (it's probably the only improper grammar that i enjoy). I love being by brackish water. I DON'T like the poisonous snakes, the posionous spiders, or the lack of racial diversity.
i think this heat might stop my smoking, though.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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kirby puckett is dead.
i'd have preferred that to happen to derek jeter.
they were about the same age.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Saturday, March 4th, 2006
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i haven't even had any alcohol.
and i'm not on my period.
so what the fuck is the deal?
i'm so fucked up.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Sunday, February 26th, 2006
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when you were a teenager, did you ever think that you'd either die or the pain would go away once you were a certain age and the self-mutilation would stop? i did.
but now i have scars all over my leg, some healing, some old.
im more lonely now than i ever was before.
maybe my heartg will stop, before i let this pain consume me.
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Comments: open my eyes.
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Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
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have you ever stared at a wall, thought about nothing, and had tears of discontent pour down your wind torn face?
when will i ever be a real grown up, and not this angsty teenager who is never satisfied?
i have my own apartment, finances are ok for the month, i see family once or twice a month, love my job, and yet i ache every time i take a breath while alone.
so again, i ask myself, can i take this much longer?
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Comments: open my eyes.
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gypsymoonfaery's journal
bored.
crushed.
depressed.
distressed.
contemplative.